Home Featured Mums “Abuse is the Type of Pattern that only Gets Worse with Time…”

“Abuse is the Type of Pattern that only Gets Worse with Time…”


Hello folks, hope you are doing well. So I recently came across a post by Marcus Olang talking about abuse, and which I found so insightful that I thought to share it here with you. Read, and share it with a friend too. This is what Marcus penned:

I’m going to say to something, and stay with me here: Happy times do not negate the abusive ones.

I’ve been in situations where I’m talking to a person, and they talk about how their partner yells at them, calls them names, gaslights them, threatens them with either violence or death… but then they add something along these lines:
“It doesn’t happen much – it’s only when s/he is stressed…”
“It doesn’t happen much – it’s only when we’re arguing…”
“It doesn’t happen much – sometimes s/he just loses her temper and doesn’t mean what s/he says…”

And here, notice that I haven’t even touched on physical violence.

I want to be as unambiguous as I can be on this: Abuse is a cycle. It’s a vicious cycle. And it’s a cycle that you cannot continue to subject yourself to.

The vast majority of times, an abusive person does not change.
The vast majority of times, an abusive person only gets more abusive.
The only person who suffers continues to be you, the victim.

And a lot of times, you – the person on the receiving end of this horrible, terrible abuse, in whatever form it comes – don’t even realise what’s happening. You have no idea that you’re the victim of abuse.

Also Read: Why an Educated, Intelligent Woman Like me Stayed in an Abusive Marriage

Plus, the nature of an emotionally abusive partner is that they’re so slick, you’ll end up believing that you’re the problem – to the point where even other people will be questioning why you’re giving this ‘amazing human being’ such a hard time in life.

And most times, your abuser will seem to be very remorseful afterwards. Most times, but not all the time.
They’ll apologise.
They’ll tell you they didn’t mean it.
They’ll buy you nice things.
They’ll treat you to nice dinners.
They’ll promise it’ll never happen again…
Most times, but not all the time.

Then it’ll happen again.

Also Read: This is Why I Stayed in an Abusive Marriage for 12 Years

And you’ll continue to believe that you’re at fault.
You’ll believe you’re the problem, because they were so nice to you.
You’ll believe you’re the problem, because they treated you so well.
You’ll believe you’re the problem, because they bought you nice things.
You’ll believe you’re the problem, because they apologised.
Because they promised it’ll never happen again.


I’m open to this: People make mistakes.
But repeated mistakes are a pattern.
Abuse is certainly a pattern.
Abuse is the type of pattern that only gets worse with time, good moments notwithstanding.


Now I want to make this very clear: Disagreements and arguments are on one side. Those happen. And they are often difficult to sort out. Sometimes you never even completely sort them out. Only thing to stay focused on is remaining respectful of each other in how you handle them.

Also Read: Why I Stayed in an Abusive Relationship for Three Years

Abuse is a whole other issue altogether.
Abuse chips at your essence.
Abuse erodes your esteem.
Abuse gets you to question yourself.
Abuse destroys who you truly are.

You mustn’t allow it.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, you mustn’t allow it to destroy you.
It’s hard. It’s one of the most difficult things to realise and accept.

But that realisation may need to start with this:

So that is what Marcus shared. Very insightful. By the way, if you are in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Gender Violence Helpline (toll-free) number: 1195 and you will be assisted. I have personally called the number this morning (9 August 2018) and the phone was answered right away. No delays at all. I’ve previously called the number when working on other articles and believe me, the response from them has always been good. They’ve always assured me that any individual who calls that number seeking help gets the right kind of assistance. Calling 1195 is free and operates on a 24-hour basis so you can call at anytime, from any part of Kenya. If you are in an abusive relationship or if you know of someone who is, let them know about 1195. It might be the call that could save their life.

 If you have a story you’d like to share or any information that you believe would be helpful, you can email me on maryanne@mummytales.com and I’ll be in touch. Otherwise thanks for reading.

Mummy Tales is a platform dedicated to empowering its readers on different aspects of maternal and newborn health, as well as various issues surrounding motherhood and women. Read more motherhood experiences of Kenyan moms here. Connect with Mummy Tales on: YOU TUBEFACEBOOK l INSTAGRAM l TWITTER 



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Maryanne W. Waweru is a Kenyan mum raising her two sons in Nairobi. A journalist, Maryanne is passionate about telling stories and hopes that through her writing, her readers learn something new, feel encouraged, inspired, and appreciative of what they have in their lives. Maryanne's writing focuses on motherhood, women and lifestyle. "Telling stories is the only thing I know how to do," she says.


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