“I certainly didn’t abort my baby! I wanted to scream. And nothing about it was spontaneous either! I would have added. Complete. Complete? How could such an experience be termed as complete? The last thing I felt at that moment was “complete”.
Hi friends, hope your days are well. Today on Mummy Tales, I share the heartbreaking experience that Yunita, a Mummy Tales reader and guest writer recently went through. That was the introduction to the piece she wrote. She continues…
“It just irked me that the medical profession seemed to have a penchant for the most gruesome terms to describe conditions. ‘Complete spontaneous abortion’. What a mockery! Can’t they just call it a miscarriage? At least for my sake! Dismantling, heartbreaking loss of child. Or: Unwelcome, painful death of baby. Yes, that does more justice to it. Then they can use whatever inhumane terms they wish to use – in my absence.
Or: Foetus. Foetus my foot! My precious baby just died and she had a name! Maya she was. Was to be. Well, I wasn’t sure it was a girl, but had hoped it was. Of course my husband had wanted a boy and would have named him Tilo. Thilo. Tealaw. Teelow. Tillor. Whatever. It would have been fun playing around with the spelling and deciding on one. Watching him wiggle his toes and burp and smile toothlessly. Playing peekaboo or hide-and-seek with him and his elder sister. But now, that is not to be.
So I stepped out of the hospital ward room unsure of how to face the world without my baby. Should I call close friends and inform them of my miscarriage, I wondered? Yet, I didn’t want a situation where people started to take pity on me or cast merciful glances at me. Such would have driven me to tears. But I wanted to grieve in the privacy of my home, behind closed doors and not in public. Thankfully, I’d warned my workmates about their response, so I wasn’t afraid of coming back to work the next week on Monday.
I kept prodding myself, wondering what I’d done wrong. Had I overworked? Over-exerted myself? Lifted heavy weights? Was I so stressed out that my body couldn’t sustain the pregnancy? Had I eaten something I shouldn’t have? Did I ignore some red flags? Had I taken my pregnancy for granted, just because my first one had been without complications? Could I have been so careless? Is there anything I could have done to prevent it?
I had no answer to these questions and neither did the doctors. In fact, they weren’t even keen on finding out what could have caused the miscarriage. They even said it could have been the chromosomes, in which case the baby wouldn’t have survived anyway. This thought comforted me a little – that maybe I wasn’t responsible for the death of my child.
But still, a cold nagging thought assailed me: What if it occurred as a result of something I did or failed to do? I needed to know so that it didn’t happen again and also so that I could accept responsibility and deal with the consequent guilt. That would give me closure.
So I embarked on a journey of healing, with one consolation: That my baby is in a better place where he’ll never know any pain. Though I’d prefer to have him here, I’m grateful that he’s been spared the many trials of human life. I’d also like to think that if he could see me, he’d want me to trudge on joyfully. So I choose joy!”-END
So that is Yunita’s experience. Suffering a miscarriage is an extremely painful experience, just as Yunita has shared. Not many women are able to speak openly about it –not even with their spouses. Many suffer in silence. But be encouraged to know that there is help available for you, and that you are not alone. If you are in such a situation or know someone who is, then I would like to refer you to Still a Mum who will be of great assistance to you or your loved one.
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Mummy Tales is an organization dedicated to empowering its readers on different aspects of womanhood and motherhood. Mummy Tales is the top Women & Girl Empowerment blog in Kenya (BAKE 2017 awards) and 2016 top Women & Girl Empowerment blog (African Blogger Awards). Read more motherhood experiences of Kenyan moms here.